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einherjar39's journal
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In memory of Elsie Miller mother of Donna and Debbie, wife of Karl, friend to me and my mother and countless others. This poor ephemeral memorial is all I can give in light of her death on 6/23/11. This and these words form Havamal…they bring me some comfort. Cattle die Kinsmen die All men are mortal. Words of praise Will never perish Nor a noble name. And Elsie Miller was a fine and noble person. The world is lessened by her passing and she will be missed.
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It has been a long while since I have but that has been due to me figuring out life with someone in it. As many of you may know my girlfriend kati and I have been living together for over a year now. It has had it's ups and downs, storms and strife, and it's moments of humor and love. I have felt different and it has been hard for me to quantify. The past few weeks though I have figured it out...she makes me happy. Despite all the little annoyances and worries about life...she is worth it all. So today I asked her to be my wife and she said yes. As to when the marrige will be...that is still up in the air. But Mi Familia I will make sure you all know in advance untill then... Still Flyin'
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Well it is 2010. And life has had some significant changes for me. I have found out how I deal with the pressurse of a relationship, unemployment,therapy and school. I did better than I expected and feared, but no where as well as I hoped. I know I need to give myself credit where credit is due...but for me that is difficult. I would like to thank those who have helped me. They know who they are and I thank them. I am looking forward to the new year...a new place and hopefuly finding work in my field while I go to school, but I will take it as it comes. Trying to do otherwise would be a fool's game...and I weary of those. So in the end Mi Familia I am.... Still Flyin'
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Life is ...strange. I have an income.school an dlove and yet I am overwhelmed....it took talking with kati and with Marc...to figure out why. I am trying to take on too much responsibility again....nothing new there. But at least I am getting better at recognizing it. My saddness from this is that it has caused me to not contact Mi Familia as often as I feel I should....for that I am sorry. I know that I am probably taking on too much with that but...there it is. I have heard some of what has happened to various members of the family....but I am woefuly in the dark for some...but life is settleing a bit so I can start to catch up. I also had a small breakdown at school due to all the stress...but I maintained and took a calmer option than before. I can only say that I love you Mi familia....and I miss you. Still Flyin'
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An old Chinese curse that is...and the current state of my life. Not that it is all bad...but interesting is a good way to describe life for me right now. First as of last thursday I no longer work for Guardsmark. I was fired...in a rather bullshit way. Funny that "bullshit" was part of the reason for the release. I got woken up from sleep to find out I had been released from the red cross site. I went in thursday to find out why and the red cross had along with saying I had violated a zero tolerance crude languge policy. Which i won't deny I did...due to for the nth time of my pay not being there when it was supposed to be I becam angered and exclaimed "bullshit". Btu the part that insulted me was an accusation of trying to acces a employee records computer with an old password...because I was the only one on shift. They said they had "proof" but when asked for it by Guardsmark, who given the nature of the accusation let me go, for legal purpouses and by yours truly for the same reason...they failed to produce the "proof". I think it may have been related to me and Roy having been close and th efact I dont kiss ass. I am courteous but I do not ass-kiss. So this may have been a "yay chance to get rid of the square peg" especialy since the zero tolerance violation incident was a month ago..and the site supervisor failed to say anything to me or write any thing up. So I have several applications out..most for EMT work some for any thing. I have applied for unemployment...but since I was terminated...it has to go through adjucication. I'm current on my bills. And I am donating plasma so I am not completly pennyless and fall semester starts soon so I will get my student aid money...that will help. In the good column kati is moving out here in september. So life will be better that way and she has a car so that will be useful. In the end Mi Familia Still Flyin'
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Well things were rough for a while...and I finaly figured out why. Fear. There were alot of things that were making me afraid...and to those who know me...what is my internal reaction to fear. Three guesses and the first two are wrong...thats right I become angrier. IT started when I ame back from KC. I had an immediate problem with my bank costing money, kati and I had some issues ( which we solved..but that was a bit later), and there were some minor problems with game and work as always was a true piss off. And it built because I didn't quite recognize the signs of impending problems. Which is hilarious considering it has been this way all my life. Well things came to a head on saturday....I lost control in a big way. The last coherent thing I remember saying for a bit was telling Jason to "get the fuck away from me." I don't know if it was a command or a warning and then I bailed. My normal reaction to avoid the one I really want...to just lash out and destroy. So rathe rthan do that on people I love and care for ... I ran. After a bit I stopped and turned a warning sign...the type that close roads in to an arc by punching it. Again I never break a knuckle..but I did bruise up my hand pretty good. Many things helped me get it back together...the techniques I have learned during therapy, Matt calling me after just the rigth amount of time, kati and me talking a bit...and moving around. I know part of it is the unseasonable weather here in OR but that was just a catalyst...it made the reaction easier. I am glad my experiment is coming to an end next week. I am not quite ready to go with out it I see...and one can make the case for my ability to act and GM afterward and to talk about it af positive signs and they are...but I am not there yet. In the end though Mi Familia Still Flyin'
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Well yesterday due to fiscal and time reasons I put therapy on hold for 30 days. I was excited about it...the chance to see how well I had actually been doing. Today of course gave many problems with that plan. It ran from work messing up my check to stepping in gum. Today was mainly made up of irritants...strange. It was like I took the time to try and see if I can handle my anger better and multiple things were thrown in my way. Still I think I did all right. In other news...will be able to start looking for new work with more vigor soon. The game I am running is going well. My love life is good..and I am looking forward to Donna's wedding All in all Mi Familia Still Flyin'
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I have realized that so few people use their actual power that they all have. they refuse to choose...to think and simple choose. I find it hard to understand...though I have undoubtedly been guilty of it myself. It angers and puzzles me as there are many examples of that power...Tank man last week was the aniversary of Tienamen Square....and a n iconic image of one man choosing to act. No weapons, no back up just him and a desire to do what he believed was right. Humans have so much more power than they believe...but they refuse it. Instead they let others dictate to them what is correct...what is right. I wonder why. Is it easier? Are they frightened? Are they ignorant of their own power? There are many who engage in evil, hurtful actions...but are they making choices to do so or are they simple acting as others have dictated because they lack the knowlege of there own power? If they choose to do evil willingly...I can respect that choice even though I can not respect their actions and will oppose them. For they are at least acting...using their intellect, their soul and making a choice for good or ill. I know this is simply strange maunderings....but I have been bothered by this as of late. Perhaps the news has been getting to me..but I dislike being in ignorance. I love you Mi Familia Still Flyin'
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As the pic shows...I am feeling a bit giddy. I had forgotten how much I liked science...and medicine...and learning in general. I am enjoying my time at college greatly. And my lovelife goes well also. kati will be moving out here in late august/early september. But back to school...I forget I like it all and math is becoming...easy. I am kind of thrilled. And also Star Trek was outfuckingstanding. And Wolverine was..cool. Some minor quibbles...but all in all very good. I find time and money are my major concerns now...I am looking into new work. I have a app with PCC...as a lab assistant for EMT classes. I know me teaching..it is funny...but I do like teaching. So Mi Familia Still Flyin'
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It has been a while since I have written...My time has been rare as of late. I find myself with new dilemmas...I have finaly recived my EMT cert from the state. Which is cool..bu tnow I have to find a job as an EMT..or two. Because I have grown weary of the Red Cross. Many minor things since Roy was bounced as site supervisor...but all petty and pointless...which I know is part of the workaday world. I simply and tired of dealing with them for craptastic money. But I will need transport...and that cuts in to my serious plan to save cash and to travel more...and to get kati up to Portaland. In academic news...I made principle's list twice..and have gotten the mass email invite to Phi Beta Kappa. And this has me torn. I know it would be useful to have on resumes and such. But it goes agaimst my nature. I work best with small groups that I trust..and I dont' need lots of recognition..just a thank you and get the hell out of my way so I can keep working. Strange I know...but that is what makes me...me. But I do need to leave Guardsmark soonest...it had little appeal when I was without cert..but with it...it has lost all it's appeal. I am actualy feeling saddened by the time I am wasting there. And the schedule I have to work there to have my classes is rough....perhaps I am growing old but I cant go 6-9 hours of sleep out of 48 anymore. Therapy goes well...there have been many times and reasons to practice techniques I have learned in emotional dojo( I think its funny ). and it has been working. I'm not less angry it just has less control and is calmed and dealt with quicker. Well Mi familia I am as always Still Flyin'
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morose
exanimate
determined
awake
quixotic
good