Wanderer's · Tale

My saddness from this is that it has caused me to not contact Mi Familia as often as I feel I should....for that I am sorry. I know that I am probably taking on too much with that but...there it is.

I have heard some of what has happened to various members of the family....but I am woefuly in the dark for some...but life is settleing a bit so I can start to catch up.

I also had a small breakdown at school due to all the stress...but I maintained and took a calmer option than before.

I can only say that I love you Mi familia....and I miss you.

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	In my own mind
Current Mood:	drained
Current Music:	"What About Me?" Raven-Symone

First as of last thursday I no longer work for Guardsmark. I was fired...in a rather bullshit way. Funny that "bullshit" was part of the reason for the release.  I got woken up from sleep to find out I had been released from the red cross site. I went in thursday to find out why and the red cross had along with saying I had violated a zero tolerance crude languge policy. Which i won't deny I did...due to for the nth time of my pay not being there when it was supposed to be I becam angered and exclaimed "bullshit". Btu the part that insulted me was an accusation of trying to acces a employee records computer with an old password...because I was the only one on shift.

They said they had "proof" but when asked for it by Guardsmark, who given the nature of the accusation let me go, for legal purpouses and by yours truly for the same reason...they failed to produce the "proof".

I think it may have been related to me and Roy having been close and th efact I dont kiss ass. I am courteous but I do not ass-kiss. So this may have been a "yay chance to get rid of the square peg" especialy since the  zero tolerance violation incident was a month ago..and the site supervisor failed to say anything to me or write any thing up.

So I have several applications out..most for EMT work some for any thing. I have applied for unemployment...but since I was terminated...it has to go through adjucication. I'm current on my bills. And I am donating plasma so I am not completly pennyless and fall semester starts soon so I will get my student aid money...that will help.

In the good column kati is moving out here in september. So life will be better that way and she has a car so that will be useful.

In the end Mi Familia

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	In between
Current Mood:	drained
Current Music:	"Life Goes On" House of Pain

Well things were rough for a while...and I finaly figured out why. Fear. There were alot of things that were making me afraid...and to those who know me...what is my internal reaction to fear. Three guesses and the first two are wrong...thats right I become angrier. IT started when I ame back from KC. I had an immediate problem with my bank costing money, kati and I had some issues ( which we solved..but that was a bit later), and there were some minor problems with game and work as always was a true piss off. And it built because I didn't quite recognize the signs of impending problems. Which is hilarious considering it has been this way all my life.

Well things came to a head on saturday....I lost control in a big way. The last coherent thing I remember saying for a bit was telling Jason to "get the fuck away from me." I don't know if it was a command or a warning and then I bailed. My normal reaction to avoid the one I really want...to just lash out and destroy. So rathe rthan do that on people I love and care for ... I ran. After a bit I stopped and turned a warning sign...the type that close roads in to an arc by punching it. Again I never break a knuckle..but I did bruise up my hand pretty good. Many things helped me get it back together...the techniques I have learned during therapy, Matt calling me after just the rigth amount of time, kati and me talking a bit...and moving around. I know part of it is the unseasonable weather here in OR but that was just a catalyst...it made the reaction easier.

I am glad my experiment is coming to an end next week. I am not quite ready to go with out it I see...and one can make the case for my ability to act and GM afterward and to talk about it af positive signs and they are...but I am not there yet. In the end though Mi Familia

Still Flyin' 

Current Location:	Home
Current Mood:	determined
Current Music:	Green Day "Westbound Sign"

It ran from work messing up my check to stepping in gum. Today was mainly made up of irritants...strange. It was like I took the time to try and see if I can handle my anger better and multiple things were thrown in my way.

Still I think I did all right. In other news...will be able to start looking for new work with more vigor soon. The game I am running is going well. My love life is good..and I am looking forward to Donna's wedding

All in all Mi Familia

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	In my mind
Current Mood:	awake
Current Music:	Heavy Metal(Takin' A Ride)

Is it easier? Are they frightened? Are they ignorant of their own power? There are many who engage in evil, hurtful actions...but are they making choices to do so or are they simple acting as others have dictated because they lack the knowlege of there own power? If they choose to do evil willingly...I can respect that choice even though I can not respect their actions and will oppose them. For they are at least acting...using their intellect, their soul and making a choice for good or ill.

I know this is simply strange maunderings....but I have been bothered by this as of late. Perhaps the news has been getting to me..but I dislike being in ignorance.

I love you Mi Familia

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	In my own thougts
Current Mood:	quixotic
Current Music:	Specter General "Hunger"

But back to school...I forget I like it all and math is becoming...easy. I am kind of thrilled. And also Star Trek was outfuckingstanding.
And Wolverine was..cool. Some minor quibbles...but all in all very good. 

I find time and money are my major concerns now...I am looking into new work. I have a app with PCC...as a lab assistant for EMT classes.

I know me teaching..it is funny...but I do like teaching.

So Mi Familia

Still Flyin' 

Current Location:	In a good place
Current Mood:	giddy
Current Music:	Weird Al Yankovic "This is the Life"

In academic news...I made principle's list twice..and have gotten the mass email invite to Phi Beta Kappa. And this has me torn. I know it would be useful to have on resumes and such. But it goes agaimst my nature. I work best with small groups that I trust..and I dont' need lots of recognition..just a thank you and get the hell out of my way so I can keep working.

Strange I know...but that is what makes me...me. But I do need to leave Guardsmark soonest...it had little appeal when I was without cert..but with it...it has lost all it's appeal. I am actualy feeling saddened by the time I am wasting there. And the schedule  I have to work there to have my classes is rough....perhaps I am growing old but I cant go 6-9 hours of sleep out of 48 anymore.

Therapy goes well...there have been many times and reasons to practice techniques I have learned in emotional dojo( I think its funny ). and it has been working. I'm not less angry it just has less control and is calmed and dealt with quicker.

Well Mi familia I am as always

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	Home.
Current Mood:	good
Current Music:	How do you like Me now? (hardcore Holly's theme)

I know so serious and dramatic...but I am doing much better Mi Familia. School goes well...made presidents list for the second semester in a row. My health is all right..and getting better. Work...well work is work...and in a month or two hopefuly I won't need to deal with guardsmark any more. My love life has interest..some worries but those have more to do with logistics than anything else.

As for health and my quest to get healthier..I found a teacher..so Iam studying martial arts again. and yes I am finding life easier there by...the paradox of my life. The more I learn how to destroy the calmer I become.

In related news..therapy goes well..Iam learning and understanding myself a bit more. I thought I knew myself pretty well..but there were depths I didn't know or weren't willing to look at. Either way it goes well. I do need to perhaps reach out to those I love some more..I just need to find the time. I don't like little emails...I prefer longer ones or actual talking. Something to think on for me later.

But Mi Familia

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	Bout to head in to the world for a spell
Current Mood:	nervous
Current Music:	Descent by Fear Factory

Yes the Watchmen was outstandingly cool. Yes there were changes but few and well done..much like with LOTR. I am feverishly awaiting the DVD.....oh yes that should rock even harder.

As for me I have my schedule for next semester ready, I'm prepped for finals,my finacial aid is in place and therapy goes well.

and some random examples form my life. In math I got a 104 pts out of 100..extra credit.  I was stunned...but while we were going over the test in class I notice the instructor had made an error and not caught a mistake of mine that made me miss one question.
So knowing me did I stay silent and go yay me..no I mentioned it in the middle of class.  I don't know if he changed my grade or not...for me it was just important to say something.  I find it hard to take what I haven't earned.

Then going to therapy on the bus...the driver was rude and short..but also drove recklessly.  I nearly fell...I grew angry as I had gotten off work went to class and was going to therapy and had not slept yet...at that point running sixteen hours awake on maybe four of sleep. So I go back up after catching  myself and I speak to the driver that he needs to slow down as some of us have been working and are exhausted and if a passenger fell it could be a bad thing. I then sat down and this tool drove like an overly aggressive teenager. Yes I grew even more angry this assclowns inability to keep calm was putting others in jeopardy. Me I wasn't as concerned with..but....there are a lot of elderly folks that get on that bus line and women with small kids. If they fall it could be a serious injury and not just the annoyance/reason to fight that it would be for me. But I kept some composure...I got off at my stop and  I called Tri Met...and reported his reckless driving in detail...yes including bus,route and time.

I found some comfort in that and it worked with my beliefs...its not much but it is enough.
In the end Mi Familia

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	In my lair
Current Mood:	cheerful
Current Music:	Bullwinkle part II The Centaurians

The bad...I realized I hold everyone  I love at arm's length...as if I am terrified of being hurt..because that are the only ones close enough to hurt me. That was hard to realize. But I have chosen to look at things as they are..no matter how much they hurt. On a positive note for that...in realizing it I can start do deal with it.

I am stil uncertain how Les is doing but I will find out soon.

As for me I am Mi Familia

Still Flyin' 

Current Location:	Mi casa
Current Mood:	contemplative
Current Music:	SHop Vac Johnathan Coulton

I know  I sent these word out once..but they bear repeating..and expanding. I was thrilled that President Obama recognozed that there are those who do not belive in one god over all...I wish he had mentioned other faiths than the Abramic faiths..but small steps. His speech did bring tears to my eye. It spoke top a simple message that resonates through my faith..and challenges those with any heart,brain or soul at all.

It was churchill who said "any man under thirty who is not a liberal..has no heart and any man over thirty who is not conservative has no brains." In theory he is right..but with a soul..I belive one can be both.

But our nation rises again Mi Familia.
She's busted up plenty..but she'll fly true...

and here we are

Still Flyin' 

Current Location:	In our country
Current Mood:	hopeful
Current Music:	the sound of hope in my soul.

But it was grand seeing my family. I did love the dinner at Ah So.  And the trip to Tuscon and New years with Kendra...was very fun. I missed kati. But it was nescessary to get things straight in my head.

The road trip back with Tim..was cool in a way I can't even begin to describe. I miss living in the same city with him...but I don't see him moving any time soon...I could be wrong but..who knows.

School has restarted...I have found a math teacher that can make math interesting...and a math text that is useful to those who actualy read english and dont speak mathamatical symbolgy as their natal tongue.

In work..I finaly am getting saturdays off...and the new schedule should actualy give me time to do other things as well,concerts,training...organizing meetups...you know things.

Therapy also went well today...I asked questions about sepressive disorder..as it has some personal weight in my life..and I was curious..advantage of having a therapist..good up to date intel on their field of endevor.

And spaz kitty/ one kityty gone is an awesome band.
As always Mi Familia

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	Home in the North
Current Mood:	hopeful
Current Music:	The Touch Transformers OST

Until today...today in Portland there was a boreal snowstorm...wicked cold...and this is me saying its cold. But while on patrol I gathered up a handful of snow and I made a snowball. That's it just a snowball..and then I threw it a Red cross fleet car. It hit the rear windshield and asploded. That's it.

But I just started laughing like a four year old. I laughed for like ten minutes...just non stop. IT was different and I just knew it....I hadn't felt  like that for years. It didn't last..but for a fleeting moment...I was just purely joyful.

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	Im my life
Current Mood:	jubilant
Current Music:	Johnny Cash "One Piece at a Time"

But as always Mi Familia

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	On the line
Current Mood:	contemplative
Current Music:	Johnny Cash "I walk the line"

I know...it seemed strange typing that..but that is how I felt and feel. Gods of the north I missed medicine more than I knew. It just makes me that more eager to get back to the work.

Well Mi Familia

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	Home
Current Mood:	contemplative
Current Music:	Metallica "Whisky in The Jar"

Well Mi familia

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	Home
Current Mood:	surprised
Current Music:	"Carry On Wayward Son" Kansas

So I have much to be thankful for...but still I am haunted by past ghosts...just in new forms. I worry about kati...she has dealt with a lot and part of me fears she will never fully recover. I worry that Les will have lung cancer...as he is finally pulling his life together. I still worry about Tim and how he is pulling together. I worry about Kendra's health and hope she does well. I worry about AJ's possible cancer.I worry about Dan and his quest for work in this shit econamy.

I worry about Beckey,Dad,Auntie,Celt,Natalie,John,Wendy and everyone I dont see on a regular basis.

I know I should relax..but I can't seem to at times...the best I can go is simply not think a bout it actively..but it is there in the back of my mind. I am improving but I even worry about me.....now thats irony. But all I can do is keep living and trying....or wht I have done for a great while.

In other words Mi Famila

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	In My life...fully
Current Mood:	gloomy
Current Music:	"Ghosts" Chris Cornell

He asked me to be the executor of his estate should both him and michelle die. and this will probaly suprise no one..I said yes. I hurt deeply at writing this because it makes it real..I have said this before...writing it down makes it real for me.

This comes after ad good visit by kati...yes my houseguest( for those who were wondering). Things went well between us , she was seen by people I care about and the relationship didn't insta crumble so now  I am comfortable writing about her by name. I worry aboiut her as well. She has been through some rough times..and she is now entering the job market. In this economy. Yeah..but i am hopeful she can make it..she has some marketable skills..and some help with job counseling so kati should be ok.

I am really looking forward to Yule...it will be nice to see some of the family again...to talk to mom up close. And I should unless everything goes wrong a 4.0 for this term..yay me:->

Well Mi familia

Still Flyin'

Current Location:	In the world
Current Mood:	morose
Current Music:	"Dont Break the Circle" Blind Guardian